Maginnes: Resolutions, TOUR style
By John Maginnes, PGATOUR.com Contributor
Loosely translated, Auld Lang Syne means "the good old days." People have been singing it for nearly 200 years. Half the people who sang it at New Year's Eve parties didn't know any of the words while the other half suffered from "chronic lyrictosis." That's a little known ailment that causes the victims to sing the wrong words loudly and proudly. The big drug companies are searching for a cure while support groups are popping up all over the country.
Maybe my New Year's resolution will be to learn the words before next year's party. It would be the most reasonable New Year's resolution that I have ever made. Believe it or not, most PGA TOUR players don't come up with resolutions. Like most married men, their wives may come up with one or two for them but the fact is that they are already in shape, getting richer by the year and play a game for a living. So they simply resolve to get better in the New Year.
I think that they can do better than that, though. So over the holidays, with the help of some well-chosen members of a now semi-famous committee, I came up with some New Year's resolutions for the PGA TOUR and some of its players.
We thought it was important to start right at the top and work our way down. So let's start with the commissioner of the PGA TOUR.
Tim Finchem's resolution: The PGA TOUR has shown unprecedented success and growth over the last 12 months. However, there are still people out there who consider golf to be a little stuffy. Since causal dress to the commissioner is a suit with no tie, I suggest letting the players wear cargo shorts and tee shirts at two of the hottest tournaments this summer -- maybe the John Deere Classic and the Wyndham Championship. Oh and by the way, Mr. Finchem, you can unbutton the top button.
Tiger Woods' resolution: Total world domination. Oh, wait -- that was last year's resolution. Well done. Tiger, you are going to need to do something politically incorrect this year to avoid being a write-in candidate in the November election. Perhaps a flying chest bump with Stevie on the 18th green at the Buick Invitational when you win it for the fourth year in a row. Then use phrases like: "I just want to take my hat off to me. I am the man," in the awards ceremony. You don't even have to be creative -- just steal a quote or two from one or two of the NFL's best receivers. That should do it. Although, if elected may I suggest Stevie for the head of Homeland Security?
Rory Sabbatini's resolution: Laryngitis. I have been a Rory apologist for nearly a decade. He plays one of the more exciting brands of golf on the planet but remember -- you don't pull on Superman's cape and you don't spit into the wind ...
Men of girth resolution: For all those players on the PGA TOUR (and elsewhere for that matter) who are still convinced that "pear" is a shape that is acceptable for a torso to resemble I have a couple of rules. I won't call any names here, you know who you are. I would like to add that I have been pear -shaped for my entire adult life so if you are offended, remember that the words "fat and happy" were put together long before I took to the keyboard. But, don't accentuate your girth by wearing the wrong clothes. Pleats were made for fat people. Flat front pants were made for skinny people. Fat men in flat front pants is the equivalent of a hairy guy wearing a tank top -- unless you are guest starring on an episode of "Cops," neither of these are a good idea. And don't get me started on fat guys in sweater vests.
David Duval's resolution: Whether or not he will need pleats remains to be seen....his waistline moves at the same rate as the S&P 500. Skinny or chubby, his game is still there somewhere. So David, after you kiss your babies and tuck them in for the night, read your resume. Every night, read your own resume. We haven't forgotten what is on it -- neither should you.
Davis Love's resolution: Give up walking except in competition. How a man who can swoosh down slopes on a board and ride a motorcycle across the country can incapacitate himself walking is beyond me. It wouldn't hurt you to add some navy blue to your wardrobe as well. That light blue is a little smug when the Tar Heels are ranked first.
Toru Taniguchi's resolution: You are currently ranked 28th in the world. That is impressive beyond words. Certainly you are the highest-ranked player who is completely anonymous to the American golf fan. Take advantage of your opportunities -- play in the majors and the World Golf Championships events but don't play here full time or you will see that ranking drop like a Tiger eagle putt on Sunday. Should you play on the PGA TOUR and maintain your current rank you will be the exception rather than the rule, but the decision is yours.
Brandt Snedeker's resolution: Find Becky Thatcher and Tom Sawyer, they are probably up to no good. Actually, I don't have one for this Huck Finn lookalike. I just wanted to use that line. So just keep getting better, Brandt. The game needs fresh young faces. It needs new stars and you have everything that it takes to be one.
Bernhard Langer and Fred Funk's resolution: From all the boys on the PGA TOUR, go away. We love you and owe you a lot. Now, go pick on people your own age.
Finally, a serious resolution for members of the golf media: Most of the players on the TOUR are fun. Let's try to bring that aspect of their personalities to light. I know that they can be stiff and standoffish, and now they are so rich that they can buy our magazines and fire us. But, we aren't covering the Middle East or writing for the New England Journal of Medicine. We get to cover a game and get paid for it.
I had a caddy once who said that he gave up his New Year's resolution for Lent every year. Mine never made it that long. But this year my resolution is to lose 20 pounds, grow hair and increase my IQ by 20 points. Oh yeah, and I want to get younger. Remember the good old days?
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