Maginnes: No East Coast-West Coast rivalry....but there should be

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Every good parody, joke or tidbit of irony has to be based at least loosely on facts. As you have probably figured out by now, if you have been following along, on occasion I don't let the facts get in the way of a good story. I am not suggesting that I invent anecdotes for your amusement let's just say that the farther I get away from my playing career the murkier the waters of my memory become. I am even more creative when it comes to a good joke.

John Maginnes

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So this week I have been trying looking for a way to express, with mirth, the differences between the east coast and the west coast as it pertains to the PGA Tour. Obviously this is a timely topic as the PGA TOUR returns to my home planet, er I mean the east coast for the Honda Classic.

Surely there has to be some rivalry between the two coasts when it comes to professional golf. Do the California boys look at guys like Tiger and John Cook as traitors? They both moved from Cali to Fla. So I was looking for a comparison outside of golf to bring this totally invented rivalry to life. I mean, let's face it the way that Tiger is playing right now we need to invent some sort of rivalry, somewhere, anywhere. I thought of the NBA and the fact that they have an Eastern and Western Division might be a good place to start.

Then I thought of Shaq and the fact that he started his career in Orlando, won Championships in both L.A. and Miami and is now a Phoenix sun. Not exactly Duke-Carolina is it?

Then I thought about rap music. Hold on, don't go away just yet. I know only slightly more about rap music than you do. I realize that in a politically correct society I shouldn't even be talking about rap music but I watched two episodes of Flavor of Love on VH1 today so I think I am an authority.

The fact is that there was a huge east coast-west coast rivalry back in the 1990's that involved Tupac, Notorious B.I.G. or Biggie Smalls to his friends and a couple of record labels. But considering the way that all ended any attempt at humor would be maudlin at best.

Besides for this comparison to work you would have to be able to compare PGA Tour players to rappers and the disconnect is too great to make the comparison funny. The image of Jim Furyk and Billy Mayfair in baggy jeans with their hats on sideways is just too much to bear. Heck, even the idea of Eminem playing at Pebble Beach is a little too disturbing for words. Although Justin Timberlake is hosting Vegas this year so this idea may be closer to reality than we think.

I do have to admit that when I did a little rapper research I realized that at the end of the day they are much better at nicknames than golfers. We are terrible at them. Then again if your given name was Cordozar Calvin Broadus Jr. you might go by Snoop Dogg too.

The simple fact of the matter is that there is no real disparity between the two coasts as it pertains to PGA TOUR players.....at least no interesting ones. Obviously the fact that Phil has won every tournament on the west coast in his career and struggled in Florida is interesting but perfectly understandable. Florida's bermuda greens are hard to putt especially if you didn't grow up on them. By the same token seaside poa annua is a weed on the east coast that keeps greens keepers up at night and greens committees foaming at the mouth.

Tom Watson won 39 times on the PGA TOUR but none of those took place in Florida. By the way, there are no rappers that you can compare to Tom or Phil. Heck, there aren't even any NBA players. Phil's record in Florida is slightly better, he is the defending Players Champion and has won at Bay Hill. In case you weren't paying attention a few weeks ago Phil's win at Riviera solidified his spot as the current king of the California swing. He is probably the first such monarch in a couple of decades, not to worry, California has been kept in good stead by the Governator.

Sure there is math and statistics to show that west coast guys have an advantage on the west coast and vice versa. You don't need me to tell you that playing golf in Florida is different than playing on the west coast. Florida is a flat, tropical, wind swept peninsula with alligators and lots of old people. Arizona is a dessert with mountains, cacti and lots of old people. And California is the stark contrast between natural beauty and traffic and lots and lots of people of every age and description. When it comes to the PGA TOUR, thank god for the retirees in these places and everywhere else, they make the best volunteers.

The TOUR's arrival in Florida marks the first signs that spring is just around the corner. For those of us still under the blanket of winter there is light at the end of the tunnel. That alone deserves a little celebration. So, put an umbrella in your cocktail to celebrate this week's Honda Classic. If you are feeling really funky may I suggest a little Kanye West or Wyclef Jean because at the end of the day, east coast or west coast, on the PGA Tour there are a lot of "dollar dollar bills ya'll".

If you don't understand the quote, borrow your teenager's iPod.