Tournament provides perfect Valentine's Day escape

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Valentine's Day is one of those days that cause endless agony for most men. A card and flowers haven't been enough since Hallmark went into business and the 19th amendment was ratified. They probably weren't enough before that, either, but no one told us.

John Maginnes

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I personally have ignored every Valentine's Day since Amy Hobgood gave me the same Valentine as everyone else in fourth grade after I had hand-picked the candy heart for hers. It turned out that she wanted to be someone else's Valentine. I know what you are thinking, ladies -- boy, what a catch.

So what in the world does this have to do with golf, you ask? Well, this all occurred to me last week when a friend asked me why the field was so strong at the Northern Trust Open. I explained to him that Riviera was a tremendous course with great history. But then, the real reason occurred to me. Thursday is Valentine's Day. What better excuse for being out of town than the opening round of one of the oldest and most prestigious events on the PGA TOUR? And if you happen to be one of those players who travel with your significant other or spouse, then Los Angeles makes for a more palatable backdrop for your shortcomings. Not only is it beautiful, but even the most dysfunctional associations from the rest of the country seem perfectly normal in Tinseltown.

Most men can't get away with simply giving their credit cards to their wives and saying, "Happy Valentine's Day." But remember the end of "Old Yeller" when the gorgeous lab was foaming at the mouth with rabies? Imagine if he bit Julia Roberts before her shopping spree in "Pretty Woman." That gives you some idea of what Rodeo Drive can do to the sanest of women. Prada and Armani will be flying like divots at the Annual Swing and Swig of the Truckers Golf Association. (That is an actual organization -- and I got it into a paragraph with TOUR wives and Rodeo Drive).

If what I have said is offensive, then I do apologize. I am used to doing that on Valentine's Day. But, if the TOUR wives have stopped shopping, then I really don't recognize the world that we live in anymore.

So far this year, the biggest stories in sports have nothing to do with games -- and golf is no exception. Our biggest story had to do with a slip of the tongue, political correctness and poor judgment. Once again, Tiger proved that you don't have to be an activist to be a great role model. Oh, by the way, he is 2-0 this season on two continents. He is also the only player in the top 12 in the world who opted to stay home with his wife this week on Valentine's Day.

The biggest stories in other sports have more to do with politics than they do with winning and losing. I understand that we all have a responsibility to clean up sports. But doesn't the government have better things to do these days than poke around baseball and football? Incidentally, 71 members of the House of Representatives failed to vote on Tuesday. At least Senator Arlen Specter decided to do his job this week. Today, though, he wants to talk to the NFL commissioner about the spygate scandal from week one of the football season. Aren't we at war, in a financial crisis and, oh, by the way, a slave to foreign oil and insurance companies? And don't even get me started on sugar ethanol. In case you are wondering, that is what Henry Ford designed cars to run on but the government made it illegal when they enacted prohibition. They were afraid that we would drink the gas.

But, I digress. Barry Bonds lied and Roger Clemens may have been less than truthful. Surely, this is high treason and should be punishable by public embarrassment and the stripping of all accomplishments.

It makes the game of golf seem like the last bastion of hope for sports in America. While I may have disagreed with some of the decisions he has made over the years, thank God PGA TOUR Commissioner Tim Finchem understands the way things work in Washington or they may come poking around at us, too. If they outlaw free buffets and courtesy cars, we could lose a few good men.

The PGA TOUR is still enjoying the honeymoon after marrying the FedExCup last year. At the service there were more murmurs in the congregation than at a Britney Spears competency hearing. But the TOUR did more than pull it off -- it raised the profile of the game. In spite of doubts from family and friends, the wedding went off without a hitch. I don't think that a card and flowers are going to be enough to keep FedEx happy, though. How about a solid gold bust of Tiger?