Maginnes: If PGA TOUR players spoke like NASCAR drivers...
 
May. 3, 2007

CHARLOTTE, N.C. -- The left turn is king here.

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Jimmie Johnson, winner of the 2006 Nextel Cup championship, participated in the pro-am at Quail Hollow. (WireImage)

The PGA TOUR only visits Charlotte, but NASCAR lives here. Jimmie Johnson and Casey Mears played in the pro-am Wednesday at the Wachovia Championship.

Jimmie Johnson is the reigning NEXTEL Cup champion. Let's just say that he drives much better than he putts.

NASCAR drivers give the best interviews in sports. It is amazing to me that they can include their sponsors while berating another driver.

Bedecked in their fire suits with more patches on them than the geekiest Eagle Scout, they always look a little grimy. During their interviews you hear things like, "The Pennzoil Black&Decker Chevy was performing beautifully today right up until the 37 car cut me off in Turn 4 and drove me into the wall."

I would love to hear PGA TOUR players do their post-round interviews like NASCAR drivers. It may sound something like this:

Interviewer: This golf course requires you to drive the ball very well. How did you feel about your tee ball today?

Player: Well, my caddy made an adjustment to the screws on my TaylorMade R7 Quad driver with the new Fujikura Dynamite Shaft on the driving range this morning.

"He put the No. 8 weight in the heel and the No. 2 weight in the toe to help me turn it over. She had been getting a little loose on those dogleg lefts and I was bombing the new Pro V1 Titleist right through the fairway.

Interviewer: You obviously drove it well on the par-5 15th where you made eagle. What did you have in there?

Player: We had 232 up the hill. That was a perfect number for my Adams Idea 18-degree hybrid with the Graphite Design shaft.

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Johnson (left) and Hendrick Motorsports teammate Casey Mears (right) watch Lucas Glover play a practice round on Wednesday. (WireImage)

With the hole over there back left, I was just trying to hit it right at the scoreboard presented by IBM right behind the middle of the green, and she just came off perfect. I really can't say enough about the job that the people at Adams are doing. This hybrid is just like cheating.

Interviewer: Even with that great shot you still had 28 feet for the eagle.

Player: Well, it's funny. I had been distracted all day by the neon pants that boy from across the pond was wearing and that funny little shirt that he had on with all the stripes.

Looked like the darn thing shrunk in the dryer, and he wore it anyway. So I pulled down the bill on my Desenex Foot Powder cap and tried not to look at him on the way up to the green. I swear, I didn't see nothing but the tops of my FootJoy Classics all the way up the fairway.

They say "joy is a long walk with a putter." Well, heck, for the last month I haven't been making anything. So I switched last week back to my old Scotty Cameron Napa with the built-up Winn Grip and things started clicking a little better. What more can I say? The sucker went in like a rat to a hole.

Interviewer: When you teed off this morning it was raining a little. How did that affect your game?

Player: You know, I never was much of a mudder. But ever since I signed on with Out-To-Sea Foul Weather Gear, I don't worry about the rain anymore. My caddy stuck a Dri-Hands pouch in the Spring Air Mattress Golf bag, too. It's like a high-tech rosin bag, so I didn't have to worry about my grips slipping at all.

Interviewer: What is this Dri-Hands? I am not familiar with it.

Player: Well, it is a new little company out of Greenville, N.C. I don't know too much about them. They don't have any representation on TOUR right now, but I believe they will soon.

Interviewer: Thanks for your time, go enjoy your lunch.

Player: Don't you worry. After a round I always send my caddy straight to Taco Bell for one of those new Enchiritos and a Cherry Coke. Nothing is more refreshing after a round of golf than a Cherry Coke.

John Daly -- eat your heart out.