Print this page  |  Close Window

By Michael Collins
Special to PGATOUR.com

Editor's Note: Michael Collins, a stand-up comic, comedy writer and caddie, is looping for Bob Hope Chrysler Classic host George Lopez this week. In this exclusive PGATOUR.com blog, he will describe his experiences on the bag and in the middle of the celebrity action.

• Rd. 1 Blog: Get the picture, lady? | • Rd. 2 Blog: Differences between a caddie and a comic

I am a caddy in pain, y'all!

Michael Collins (Stockman/Getty Images)

Not because this course is tough to walk. Not because my boss is hard to work for. No, no, no, it's the opposite.

My boss is the man! And it's killing both of us.

I've been to more parties this week than when I was is high school. And trust me when I tell you, these are a lot better.

I'm finding out being the host of the Bob Hope Chrysler Classic is not necessarily the best thing for your golf game. Everything is jumping -- except the ball off George's club face.

We played with Jesper "Tight Pants" Parnevik on Friday. This, after being at the exclusive party of the year -- until last night, that is.

Now Jesper and George have been partners at the AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro-Am for years, so George wants to show him some love this week. Awesome, except that Jesper's putter has gone colder than the day was. (Note to self: Check the forecast before only packing shorts to fly out here.)

And then, a ray of hope, an energizing spirit to lift the energy level to the next level -- David Feherty shows up to walk with us on the first tee.

The crowds are big, which is very impressive since it is 40 degrees and raining. Isn't this the desert? But we're having so much fun. That is, until we get to No. 18 (our ninth hole of the day). George finally crushes a drive down the center of the fairway -- and long! This hole plays 500 yards, and we've got 180 to the flag.

The conversation goes something like this:

Caddy: "155 to the front, 180 to the hole, bro'. Nice 4-iron here is perfect."

George: "No way man. I'll hit it in the water."

Now for those of you who've never caddied before, this is a red-flag moment. As a caddy, you do not push your boss to hit a club he has no confidence in. Nothing good can come from it.

George: "Let me lay up and hit a wedge in."

This will mean hitting a wedge for a lay up. And here comes Mr. Sunshine, David Ferehty. "There's no way I'm gonna let you lay up from here! Don't be a (wimp)."

Of course, Oscar De La Hoya's buzz from last night wore off on No. 6, and he's in the water. Jesper's wet off the tee and Samuel L. Jackson -- who could play the TOUR if he could just putt -- is right of Rush Limbaugh.

Now, though, George's manhood is in question. He shakily takes the 4-iron and his first practice swing. Well, I can almost see the earth's core after that divot goes flying. Now, the real swing.

THWACK!!!

The smiley face on that ball has got to be good because the bottom of the club hit the top of the ball -- causing the ball to dribble 50 yards on the ground into the water! Well, guess who gets blamed for that decision?

There's goes my chance to caddy at Pebble Beach. When we get to the parking lot I'm going to show Feherty a good swing!

AAAAHHHH, but that is golf. All is forgiven in three holes when George hits a couple of nice shots. I'm still mad at Feherty, but he's safe in the lot -- for now.

If this gets any more fun, I'm going to need a week in intensive care! Wait until I tell ya'll about last night's after-party...